Gather Your Poor Ass Coins; Beyonce is Coming...
If you’re not ready, get ready. And if you’re looking for some words of wisdom, “If you stay ready, you’ll never have to get ready.”
Get ready and hold on to your poorly laid frontals, because mama is coming for them. I am a member of a Beyoncé support group. —if you don’t have your own Beyoncé support group, I’d suggest you find yourself one and quickly. You’ll need a group of people to support you and assist in the logistics of transferring credit card balances from one account to the next so that you can fund her upcoming album, tour, and accompanied merch. You’ll also need a group of folks to assist in analyzing every single lyric, hairstyle, and outfit change that she’s going to bestow upon the peasants.
With the help of my support group, I have concluded that mama is going to be blessing us with something very soon. If y’all can remember, she was spotted in Miami carrying around her laptop on their private property. We all know that when an artist is spotted with their laptop, that means they’re working on something. Not only was she spotted with her computer, but she had the braids that signal, I don’t have time for much because I’ve got to get up and go—presumably to the studio. She’s also taken an extended break from social media and posting on her site. To seal the deal, she made a quick appearance for Grammy weekend and we noticed that the size of her breast has decreased. Now, it might not make sense on its own, but you’ve gotta do some logical thinking.
We all know that Beyoncé gave birth to the twins and was in the house feeding the twins “liquid gold”. During that time, she was giving us full bosom realness. I think everything she wore had a low cut or a V-neck. Now, that’s not so much the case, she seemed to have gone down a cup size or two which probably means she’s weaned the twins off the gold and switched them over to similac or whatever the rich as fuck equivalent is. Which leads me to believe that she’s been gearing up for some sort of tour or at least more performances.
Let us not forget that mama will be headlining Coachella this year. Now, we know that Beyoncé is completely unpredictable and may or may not bless us with new content. We might all be in the crowd singing the same few tracks from Lemonade OR she may bust out a new album the day before and give fans a 24-hour window to learn all lyrics and choreography. Either way, one must be ready.
So, this is a warning. Save up those poor ass coins and press your leave out as best as you can because mama is coming. Don’t say you weren’t warned because I told you. It’s income tax time, so take a portion of that and put it in your Beyoncé fund account because now is the time, sis.
Afros and Ovaries
Be ye therefore ready also