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You're a College Freshman. Here are Some Tips to Help You Not be Such a Dumbass

You're a College Freshman. Here are Some Tips to Help You Not be Such a Dumbass

College freshman, if you’re reading this you’re probably about a month into your college career. I’m here to offer some lessons and advice that no one ever gave me. Some of this stuff you may have already figured out through trial and error. But there is still time to avoid some rookie mistakes.


1.    I don’t care how much of a morning person you are, don’t fucking take that class that starts before 10AM. You will not make it on time, you will sleep through the class when you go, and you will not perform as well as you can. This will only give you a very low starting point as it relates to your GPA and might cause you to be a tad bit discouraged. Don’t do it!

I understand that some classes are only offered during certain times of the day and in those cases, do what you can with what you have. However, if you’re thinking “I’ll just start my day at 8AM and end it around 3PM… it’s just like in high school and I’ll have the rest of my day free.” You’re setting yourself up for an epic fail. College is nothing like high school. You will stay up late with friends watching youtube videos or simply fucking around doing nothing and before you know it the sun will be up and you haven’t even started the reading for your 10AM. And you won’t have time because you really need to get started on your Blackboard post that’s due for your 8AM. Moreover, you planned to study for your 12PM quiz during your 10AM, but you won’t have the time now because you’ll be too busy trying to make it seems as if you actually read when you really didn’t and the shit will just hit the fan. Trust me, give yourself plenty of time to do shit in the morning because you’ll be too excited to do it after classes. There is so much to explore and you’ll be doing plenty of exploring.

2.    Develop good relationship with your professors. I know you’re trying to be the cool kid, but you really need to build relationships with these people. There is no better feeling than sending a professor an email about your lack of sleep and full course load asking for an extension and receiving a reply that reads “Sure, I’ll give you an extra week. Get it to me as soon as possible. Take care.” Professors only do that when they like you or when they really don’t give a fuck about the course because they retire next semester and they’re just trying to make this easy for everyone. In addition, when professors really like you, they will invite you out for drinks and pay for them! Who doesn’t like free drinks!?

3.    Drop that major that’s not going to make you any money. Take it from someone that has a degree in something that won’t make any money. If you don’t plan to obtain an advanced degree or be somewhat poor for the rest of your life, drop that fucking major! If you’re not sure, about the major that you want, pick something that will give you some experience and help you learn some hard, applied skills. With my second major, I learned how to use a bunch of software and that’s the one thing that helps me during my job search.

Now, if you want to study something within the social studies, that’s fine. However, be realistic about what you want to do with your life and have a plan. Don’t get a criminal justice degree and expect to make a shit ton of money. Those are degrees that you do for the love of the industry, not for money.

4.    In the same way, drop that major that you suck at! I know the entire family was excited about you going to medical school, but if you’re struggling and you’ve realized that earning a B+ in advanced biology in high school is NOTHING like taking a college weed out course, drop the class before you do more damage. It’s okay to realize that something isn’t for you and that’s a part of life. There are things that you have to try to realize that you don’t want to do it. Go undecided or pick something else that you think would suit your capabilities and goals.

5.    You have resources-- use them. With all of the free help that’s offered on college campuses, there is little to no reason why a college student should feel “helpless”. They have free tutoring on campus, use it. Also, take advantage of the professor's office hours. They like to see that a student is trying and will often give you a passing grade if they sense that your are legitimately trying to pass the class.

That being said, many resources are finite. That means, you’ll only have so many hours of the day to do work. Be smart about these things. Cheat. Okay, I know some honest Abe is getting their knickerbockers in bunch, but let me explain. In college, Google is King. Because you're between the ages of 18-22 (traditionally) you’re probably not responsible as you would like to be and as some professors think you should be. That being said you’re going to wait until the very last minute to start that five page paper and that will leave you with little to no time to study for that online quiz that’s also due by midnight. Get your ass on Google and find the answers via quizlit or wikipedia. If there are no legitimate leads from those sources, call/email someone in your class and beg them for the answers. If that doesn’t work, lie. Email your professor and tell them that life has taken a toll and you’ll need an extension. Don’t lie about a grandmother dying or no dumb shit like that, but use a “true lie”. Is it true that you’ve had all semester to take this quiz? Yes, that is true. However, is it true that life has taken its toll on you, yes. It’s extremely rare that you’ll need to use all three life lines for one assignment, but desperate times call for cheating and lying. Don’t make this a habit because you’ll actually need to know the material for some of your classes, but keep these tactics in mind once you’re in a crunch.

Books. Price compare.

Study schedules: Get one.
Notes: Take them.
Extra Credit: Do it.


1.    This is a tough one because some people need the advice to be more outgoing while some need to lessen their presence at every single function.

Overall, just be yourself. If you want more friends, you’re going to need to leave the house and make them. If you find that you’re always surrounding by fake ass people, you may want to vet the people that you call “friends” and pick handful of people to trust.

2.    Drinking is something that probably will happen. If you don’t drink and you don’t feel the need to drink, don’t. If you drink, be careful and smart. Drinking while underage is sort of weird. This is because you have to finesse the shit out of someone to get them to buy the alcohol for you and often you really don’t know what you like. This is the reason that many people just go for vodka or beer. Beer doesn’t require any mixers and if you get a light beer you can pretty much coast throughout the night without getting shit faced-- unless you’re chugging 4 beers an hour. Vodka is a freshman favorite because you can damn near mix anything with it and it will still be palatable. This is a good way to do it and try different things along the way until you find out what works for you.

Over drinking is also common. That’s because you feel like superman every single time you drink. There is no need to try and out drink anyone. You will lose. Even if you “win”, you’ll lose. You’ll probably end up passing out our throwing up a lung, or both. It’s not needed. Just drink your jungle juice and try to make it home alive.
Safety while drinking is also a issue. If you’re not comfortable with someone, don’t drink anything that you haven’t seen opened. Also, don’t put your drink down and come back to it. ALWAYS take your drink with you, even to the bathroom. I know you think you can trust this person that you’ve known for three weeks with your life, but you can’t. Just take your drink with you.

3.    Drama will happen because someone will lie on you or you might even find yourself lying on someone. It’s part of life. When it happens, remember that this is nothing like high school. If you fight, they will take your ass to jail. So keep that in mind when you think you are willing to fight “every bum bitch in the room”. You’re going to school to get a degree, not a criminal record. Moreover, your school can kick your ass out for all that dumbass fighting. Find mature ways to handle situations. Either by talking it out with someone or simply ignoring the fuck out of them. It’s all better than fighting and going to jail over some dumb shit.

4.    Sex will also happen. When it happens, be mature. Sex is your personal business. No need to go running around informing everyone that you got some ass the night before. It doesn’t make you look cool. In fact, it makes you look like a Class A lame. Shut up. Oh, and use a condom, that person isn’t all itchy down there because of their washing powder.
While we’re on the topic of sex, let’s talk about rape. Rape isn’t sex, it’s rape. It’s when a person says “no” or they can’t say anything at all because they’re sleeping, passed out, etc. Make sure you have sober consent before you go swapping fluids with someone. Rape isn’t cool and rape will also send your dumb ass to jail where your rapey ass belongs. Have safe, responsible, consensual sex.


1.    Money in college is weird because no one has a lot of it, but people still manage to have a ton of fun.

My advice for making money in college is to either get a part time job or find hustle that’s not too time consuming, but marketable. My sisters are away at college. I consistently urge them to use their ability to braid, relax, and install hair as a source of quick income. Guys, grab some clippers and use your skills. The best college hustle is something that everyone needs, but everyone can’t do themselves. Whatever that thing is for you, do it and stop being broke.

2.    Also, be wise with your money. More than likely you’re going to be doing like most college students and either living off of our student loans or the pennies that your parents send you once a month. You must make critical decisions about those UGG boots and if you REALLY “need” them the way you think you do.

Oh, you’ll start to receive credit card offers, be smart! Credit isn’t always bad, but it can land you in $20,000 worth of debt if you’re not careful.

These are just a few tips on the things that I managed to learn during my time in college. Most of this advice is targeted towards traditional college students. Things might be different if you’re older, a parent, or even married. What I’m saying here isn’t law. No advice is law, but with all advice, be able to eat the meat, and spit out the bones.

Midterms will be here sooner than you know it. Good luck!

Be great,
Afros and Ovaries
I drank UV blue in college… don’t judge m

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