How To Ask If You're Invited To A Wedding: Don't!
With about four months of wedding planning under my belt, I have had a taste of what it’s like to endure the stress, frustration, and joys of arranging the “big day”. Often, people see me and the only thing they want to talk about are my plans for the wedding and the type of linen that I want on the main table. While I hate discussing those things, it’s always better discussion than “So, am I invited to the wedding?”
Pro tip: Don’t ask people if you’re invited to their wedding… it’s rude.
Don’t get me wrong, I can understand just wanting to know as a means of planning your outfit and calling in sick to work the next day. All of those things are understandable. However, I’ll let you in on a deep secret. If you’re invited to the wedding you’ll more than likely get a save-the-date AND an official invitation. Therefore, it eliminates the need to ask the person if you’re invited.
From where I sit, it feels like a person is twisting my arm and forcing me to say yes. I know that I ultimately control the guest list and if I want to flat out say “hell naw, you ain’t coming... “ I could. But let’s be honest with ourselves, that’s difficult to do when the person is sitting directly in front of you-- or maybe I’m not mean enough.
If you didn’t know, planning a wedding is just half of the burden. Paying for the day is the other half. When you are paying about $150 per person to come to the wedding, it’s imperative that you chose your guest wisely. This is a fact that many people forget when they open up their mouths to ask “am I invited?” It’s not that I don’t like you enough to invite you to the wedding. In most cases the people that ask are people that I really like and would love to have in the soul train line on my big day. Most of the time it comes down to monetary constraints and space. I’m not going to replace my aunt Debbie who’s literally wiped my ass before to have a friend of 3 years come to my wedding. My fiance and I both have very large families. Once we sat down and invited all the people who have wiped our asses as children, lived in the same household, or gotten a whooping on the porch with us for wasting juice on our Labor Day outfits, we were pretty much at our guest limit. It’s really all a matter of prioritizing and sadly, not everyone on my facebook friends list is a priority.
Another big frustration are those people who assume that they will be invited. Again, it’s not that I wouldn’t invite the entire squad if I had the bread to do so, but I’m just a struggling Black girl trying to pay off student loans and find affordable rent in the city. I can’t tell you how awkward it can be when people detail how they’re going to wear their hair, what shoes they’ll wear, and who they’re bringing to my wedding and I know damn well they’re not even close to being on the list.
The absolute WORST is when people who are invited ask about the guest list and get offended that you didn’t invite someone they feel should be invited. I often have to hold my tongue because every ounce of me wants to say, “You’re barely coming… you better shut the fuck up before you’re sitting at home watching the event from Snap Chat.” Please don’t go around inviting other folk to someone’s wedding. Even if you’re willing to pay $150 for them to show up, it is not your place to make add-on’s.
In closing, planning a wedding is stressful enough. I don’t need everyone that I’ve known for over 30 days asking me if they’re invited to the wedding. Questions like those simply add unnecessary stress and frustration of wedding planning. Again, there is nothing wrong with asking about the wedding and the progress of the planning. Just be sure not to accidentally invite yourself into someone’s space.
What I would suggest is waiting for the actual invitation. That is the best way to confirm that you are invited to the wedding. Once you receive that invite, there will probably be something like “We have reserved 2 adult seats for you…” This is a clever way of saying “This is for you and a ‘plus one’ and leave your baby at home.” If you do anything other than show up with your allotted amount of guest, it will be considered disrespect. Yes, disrespect. This tells me that you don’t give a damn about my request. This also applies for those who feel the need to just pop up without an official invitation. I’ve seen it happen a few times at various weddings. If you really care about the person and wish them the best, you would understand that they simply didn’t have the budget or space for you and all seven of your children.
So, the next time that someone announces their wedding, please don’t “remind” them to send you an invite. If they want to invite you, they will.
Afros and Ovaries
Trying to figure out this seating chart